[plug] FW: to amuse anyone who has dealt with computer support

[Shackleton, Kevin]

Apologies for off-topic . .
>  
> Tech Support Guide
> 
>  1.  When a tech says he's coming right over, log out and go for
>  coffee. It's no problem for us to remember 2700 network
>  passwords.
> 
>  2.  When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to
>  leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures,
>  stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and Popsicle
>  art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a
>  fleeting glimpse of yours.
> 
>  3.  When tech support sends you an e-mail with high
>  importance, delete it at once. We're probably just testing out the
>  public groups.
> 
>  4.  When a tech is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and
>  spill your guts out and expect him to respond immediately. We
>  exist only to serve and are always ready to think about fixing
>  computers.
> 
>  5.  When a tech is at the water cooler or outside having a
>  smoke, ask him a computer question. The only reason why we
>  drink water or smoke at all is to ferret out all those users who
>  don't have email or a telephone line.
> 
>  6.  Send urgent email ALL IN UPPERCASE. The mail server
>  picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
> 
>  7.  When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the
>  bilingual greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record
>  your message, and wait exactly 24 hours before you send an
>  e-mail straight to the director because no one ever returned your
>  call. You're entitled to common courtesy.
> 
>  8.  When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support.
>  There's electronics in it, right?
> 
>  9.  When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call
>  computer support. We can even fix telephone problems from
>  here.
> 
>  10.  When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a
>  tech's chair with no name, no phone number, and no
>  description of the problem. We love a good mystery.
> 
>  11.  When you have a tech on the phone walking you through
>  changing a setting; read the paper. We don't actually mean for
>  you to DO anything; we just love to hear ourselves talk.
> 
>  12.  When we offer training on the upcoming OS upgrade, don't
>  bother. We'll be there to hold your hand after it is done.
> 
>  13.  When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20
>  times. Print jobs frequently just disappear into the cosmos for
>  no reason.
> 
>  14.  When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job
>  to all 68 printers in the office. One of them is bound to work.
> 
>  15.   Don't use online help. Online help is for wimps.
> 
>  16.   If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free
>  to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your
>  co-workers.  We're grateful for the overtime when we have to stay
>  until 2:30am fixing them.
> 
>  17.  When you have a tech fixing your computer at a quarter past
>  one, eat your lunch in his face. We function better when slightly
>  dizzy.
> 
>  18.  Don't ever thank us. We love this AND we get paid for it!
> 
>  19.  When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new
>  software on this computer, lie. It's nobody's business what
>  you've got on your computer.
> 
>  20.  If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed
>  picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it.
>  Mouse cables were designed to have 45 lbs.. of computer sitting
>  on top of them.
> 
>  21.   If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on
>  the mail upgrade.   Keyboards work much better with half a
>  pound of muffin crumbs, nail clippings, and big sticky drops of
>  Coke under the keys.
> 
>  22.   When you get the message saying "Are you sure?", click on
>  that Yes button as fast as you can.  Hell, if you weren't sure, you
>  wouldn't be doing it, would you?
> 
>  23.   Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing
>  about that computer crap".  It never bothers us to hear our area
>  of professional expertise referred to as crap.
> 
>  24.   When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech
>  support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex
>  task, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed
>  only by a professional engineer with a Master's degree in
>  nuclear physics.
> 
>  25.   When something's the matter with your computer, ask your
>  secretary to call the help desk. We enjoy the challenge of having
>  to deal with a third party who doesn't know anything about the
>  problem.
> 
>  26.   When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone
>  as a high-priority mail attachment. We've got plenty of disk
>  space and processor capacity on that mail server.
> 
>  27.   Don't even think of breaking large print jobs down into
>  smaller chunks.  God forbid somebody else might get a
>  chance to squeeze into the queue.
> 
>  28.   When you bump into a tech in the grocery store on a
>  Saturday, ask a computer question. We work 24/7, even while at
>  the grocery store on weekends.
> 
>  29.   If your son is a student in computer science, have him
>  come in on the weekends and do his projects on your office
>  computer. We'll be there for you when his illegal copy of Visual
>  Basic 6.0 makes your Access database flip out.
> 
>  30. When you bring us your own no-brand home PC to repair
>  for free at the office, tell us how urgently we need to fix it so
>  your son can get back to playing DOOM.  We'll get right on it
>  because we have so much free time at the office.  Everybody
>  knows all we do is surf the Internet all day anyway.
>         
> 
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