[plug] [OT] Installing Gentoo on a Dead Badger: User's Notes

[Richard Meyer]

For all the Gentoo users who need a new challenge .......


Let's face it: any script kiddie with a pair of pliers can put Red Hat
on a
Compaq, his mom's toaster, or even the family dog. But nothing earns you
geek points like installing Gentoo on a dead badger. So if you really
want 
to earn your wizard hat, just read the following instructions, and soon
your
friends will think you're slick as caffeinated soap.
Minimum Installation Requirements:
1. one (1) pocketknife
2. one (1) screwdriver, flathead, to install Duppy card (see item 4.
below) 
3. computer with:
CD drive
USB, Ethernet, or a free slot for wireless networking card
Telnet or SSH client installed
cyberspiritual controller program such as FleshGolem (MacOSX and
Gentoo),
Phranken (Windows 98, ME, 2000), or ItzaLive (MacOS 8.1-9.x and Amiga)
4. one (1) Duppy card (available in CardBus and PCI models) or
SpiritInTheSky external adapter (available in ethernet and USB models)
5. VüDü Gentoo (available from Twisted Faces Software)
6. minimum 3' x 3' (1m x 1m) fireproof surface, in secure, ventilated
area 
7. privacy
8. one (1) dead badger, good condition
Optional Installation Requirements:
one (1) gallon of holy water (Bless! brand exorcise water is ideal) in a
silver or silver-plated bucket
one (1) pair latex gloves 
one (1) fluid ounce of flea-killing shampoo such as Ecto-Soothe or
Mycodex
running water and a large sink or washtub

The following test installation was conducted on the concrete floor of
the
garage of a detached single-story house, on unconsecrated ground, using
a 
400MHz clamshell iBook, and began shortly after local sunset.

Step 1: Find a suitable badger. Specimens from zoos are ideal, but
suitable
badgers can be found as roadkill along highways in many parts of North 
America, the British Isles, continental Europe, Asia, and parts of
Africa.Other animals of family Mustelidae can be used in place of a
badger,
but an adapter may be required. See Appendix II for details.

Step 2: Once you have obtained a dead badger, check it carefully for
structural damage, particularly in the spine, skull, and legs. Dead
badgers
do not heal, and a badger with broken legs will display limited
mobility. 
Brain and spinal cord damage is likely to interfere with the Gentoo
installation and render any successfully-installed system unstable, as
well
as voiding all explicit and implicit warranties according to the laws of
any 
and every state, country, or alternate dimension, present or future.As a
precaution against infection, wear latex gloves at all times when
handling
your dead badger. It is highly recommended that you wash the carcass
with a 
suitable flea-killing shampoo.

Step 3: Obtain a copy of FleshGolem or other cyberspiritual controller
program. This test was conducted with a copy of FleshGolem downloaded
from
the Apple site's utilities section. Follow all installation
instructions 
carefully, including addenda in the readme.txt file. All cyberspiritual
controllers should be compatible with either Duppy cards or
SpiritInTheSky
adapters.

Step 4: Insert Duppy card or attach external SpiritInTheSky adapter.
Duppy 
cards work best if you're using a Mac with an Airport slot; response on
the
external SpiritInTheSky adapter may be sluggish. Further notes below
apply
only to Duppy card installation on the test iBook used. The card has a 
hinged lid and a clear cover over what looks like a small, shallow ivory
box. Open and place a small amount of hair and blood from the badger in
the
compartment, then close the cover, being careful not to let stray hairs 
stick out of the compartment. Install card into Airport slot by
unlatching
the small white tabs at the top of the keyboard, lifting keyboard
assembly
off (being careful of the wires), and inserting card into slot. 

Step 5: Install Duppy card security antenna (included with card) in
badger.
Badgers may be run without security anntenas, but this is not
recommended.
Insecure badgers may be hacked by anyone with a compatible card and
badger 
bits. Each Duppy card/antenna system is uniquely coded so that a
properly
installed system will allow only the original user to run the badger. To
install antenna, make a small incision with the pocketknife at the nape
of 
the badger's neck. Then shove the antenna down the badger's back under
the
hide. Antenna must lie as flat as possible along the spine, or security
will
be suboptimal. Antenna may also be installed by cutting the badger's
back 
skin open, but requires post-installation stitchery to restore
structural
integrity; this method is recommended for licensed taxidermists only.

Step 6: Install your badger's operating system. VüDü is the preferred
Gentoo 
distribution for badgers and related species (see Step 1). This distro
was
designed by German software engineers who contributed to the SuSE
project
before they started up Twisted Faces Software in Jamaica. An
alternative 
distribution is Pooka, which is available for download at SoulForge.net.
However, there is no alpha build for MacOS and Amiga, and some Windows
NT
users have found that the Harvey utilities built into Pooka may cause 
sudden, unpredictable invisibility issues.
VüDü Tech Tips:
Default partitioning: /root goes in the spinal cord and brain
stem, /swap
and /soul go on the left hemisphere of the brain, and /usr, /var,
and /home 
go on the right. If you're working with a badger with damage to one of
those
areas, you can repartition one or the other brain hemisphere, but as
noted
in Step 2, using a brain-damaged badger is not recommended and may
interfere 
with successful installation.
System configuration information and the spiritual components of the
package
come on a small, rolled-up piece of parchment. Space is available to
write
in a password, as well as any auxiliary programs like NecroNull. The
VüDü 
package comes with two scrolls, but a Santeria, Vodoun, Wiccan, or
Catholic
priest or priestess who has undergone Twisted Faces' scrollmaking
training
can also provide suitably blessed parchments. Check the VüDü home page
to 
find a qualified cleric in your area.
When modifying the scroll, be sure to use chicken blood-based ink, and
write
neatly. Various languages may be used on the scroll -- VüDü is written
in
SoulScript, but successful modifications have been made in Latin,
Hebrew, 
and Enochian. Further modifications can be made by Telnetting or SSHing
into
your badger later; start only with essential information. After
finishing
modifications, roll up the scroll and stick it down the badger's throat,
all 
the way into the stomach. Use a screwdriver or pencil to get it all the
way
in.

Step 7: Install VüDü itself. In the package, there will be a large
square of
herb-scented paper. This is the entire code for VüDü. Fold this paper
into 
an origami shape resembling the animal you're installing VüDü on (see
also
Appendix II). There are folding directions for common animals in the
box.
Make a hollow inside your paper badger and add a little more blood and
hair 
from your animal. Don't lose the paper; replacements are expensive.
There
are recipes for homemade paper on the Web, but getting all the
information
correctly transcribed is a huge task, as this must be handwritten; 
furthermore, the requirements of herb collecting, drying, and curing are
formidable.

Step 8: Invocation/boot procedures. Place badger in center of fireproof
surface, making sure ventilation is adequate and all doors are locked.
Turn 
off all cell phones and pagers, and cease using all other unapproved
electronic devices. Using the badger's blood, smear a foot-wide
pentagram
around its body. Place origami code-badger at the top point of
pentagram, 
and light paper while making the boot incantation:

Suse vivo vixi victum reduco is ea id creatura
absit decessus a facultas Gentoo!
Dev root, dev root!

The paper should burn with green flames. Black or gray means the herbs
were 
improperly prepared. Purple flames indicate kernel panic; douse the
flames
with the bucket of holy water and abandon installation site immediately.
Seek shelter at the nearest church or other consecrated area. You may
need 
to enlist the assistance of an exorcist if you cannot reach shelter in
time.
When you produce green smoke, it should flow over the badger and into
its
mouth and nose. The badger will awaken as a Gentoo-powered zombie.
Enjoy 
your new undead badger.
Common Problems
Reanimation puts most creatures in a foul mood, and the test badger woke
up
murderously angry, requiring a hasty launch of FleshGolem to get the
beast
under control. It is highly recommended to have the computer close at
hand 
during the incantation.
If the badger isn't responding correctly, you may need to make some
configuration adjustments via Telnet; instructions are in the VüDü
manual.
If the badger does not respond at all to the boot incantation, call
Twisted 
Faces' tech support. Make sure to try all other troubleshooting options
first. After two free calls, tech support will cost you an arm and a
leg. .
.and they'll only accept fresh, gangrene-free limbs.

DISCLAIMER: No badgers or Macintoshes were harmed in the course of this
test 
installation. Your results may vary. Please note that zombie badgers are
banned in many municipalities in California and Wisconsin; zombie
badgers
must remain leashed at all times in Texas. Zombie badgers can move at
great 
speeds, and are prone to sudden acceleration; use proper caution when
driving your zombie badger. Do not allow your zombie badger to consume
mushrooms or African snakes, or your badger may emit catchy techno
music. Do 
not taunt zombie badgers. Prolonged use of a zombie badger may cause
acne,
insomnia, leprosy, unusual weather, or the end of time. Please dispose
of
your zombie badgers properly; consult your local recycling company for 
proper disposal protocols.
	
-- 
Richard Meyer <meyerri at westnet.com.au>