[plug] telemarketers

[Leon Brooks]

On Friday 22 July 2005 12:20, Shayne O'Neill wrote:
> My script

> TM: Hi can I speak to the home owner?

LB: Yes, certainly! Can I have a name, a callback number and a
    billing address?

TM: I beg your pardon?

LB: I need a name to pass on to her -- it has to be a real one,
    too, since Australia has fairly stiff laws about trading
    with a false identity -- a telephone number to call you
    back on, and a billing address.

TM: (stunned silence)

LB: Or a credit card in your name would do. We can put that
    through straight away, and we won't need an address.

TM: What?

LB: Our home owner is a _professional_ home owner, sir. She's
    also a highly qualified legal practitioner[*]. Surely you
    don't expect to consult with her for free?

You have to wing it from here. Sometimes, they just hang up. If they 
start to bluster and argue, tell them that company policy requires you 
to start the clock after thirty seconds, which is about... *now*, and 
we'll be needing that credit card number, sir?

If they keep _on_ arguing, tell them after a few minutes that their fee 
is now up to an actionable amount (I usually quote $180 an hour or part 
thereof for my time and $240 for The Home Owner's time and explain that 
if they'd called the lawyer's number instead it would be $220 and $300) 
and, "if you settle the invoice up front with your credit card, we'll 
give you a 10% discount for all of the paperwork you save."

The important thing is to not burst out laughing, or sound like you're 
about to. The idea that you're deadly serious and that you're about to 
charge them a couple of weeks of their salary for the honour of talking 
with your professional home owner generally sends them incoherent and 
certainly breaks up the monotony of their day.

Cheers; Leon


[*] that is, she practices stuff and does that legally. (-:
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